Holding it Loosely

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Alan Watt says we have to hold our writing loosely. I'm trying to hold it all loosely: words, blogging, business, creating, health, life. It's the only way to accomplish anything, I think. When we get obsessed, everything stiffens, grips. It's a feeling of desperation. 

I started this blog with no intention of promoting it all over the place or writing posts that go viral or learning techniques to monetize or incorporating SEO. I didn't want to feel pressured to teach something or show up on a certain day or write to the masses. If someone shows up and reads these words, I'm grateful, no doubt, but I don't want this to be another business in the back of my mind. How can I make money off this? kind of thing. 

I just want to show up and write. Probably about spirituality, maybe about writing, maybe about other things. That's the beauty of holding it loosely. 

My anxiety's been high over the past three days and I have no idea why. Nothing's changed, I'm taking my medication, but I had a panic attack two days ago - the first one since I started taking medicine again. My chest hurt, my breath all over the place. I knew deep down I wasn't having a heart attack or that my lung had collapsed, but there was still that little piece of darkness slithering inside me saying, "You're going to die." I've dealt with panic attacks for 13 years and they never get easier. I can do this or that to prevent them from blowing completely out of proportion, but they're never easy. Three days later I feel like I can't take in enough oxygen. My ribs hurt. The place where the first chest tube was inserted pricks with pain every now and then. Scar tissue? Damaged nerves? I don't know, but it doesn't help the anxiety.

This week I want to practice yoga and meditate and heal whatever anxious energy is built up in my body. I want to read and journal and work on my novel. I want to put my heart and soul into the e-course I'm creating.

I want to hold it all loosely.